Going down

Weigh in today: 147.8. I'm getting there.

 I've been eating about 500 calories a day.

 Exercise: not so much...except LOTS of walking, I guess.

I love that I'm not even hungry anymore. It feels amazing.

And So it Begins....

School starts today. Yuck.

I made it to 149. That was good, but it needs to be lower.

I'm stressed because I have to work while taking the stinking hardest classes ever and I'm afraid I'm going to gain weight. Already yesterday I was craving all kinds of sweets and starches that I haven't craved in weeks. It's my roommates! They make me want to eat junk 24/7. But there is no way I'm going down that path again.

A lot of my roommates notices that I was thinner than when they last saw me. Thats because I was a obese cow when the last saw me. Not that I'm a stick now, but I'm getting closer. I love that my hipbones are starting to stick out. It makes the headaches and growling stomach worth it.

Its not worth it.

I hate myself. I hate my weakness. I hate that just when I've mastered myself control slips through my fingers. I'm disgusting.

Just when I was finally making progress I go on a two day binge of nothing but fried fat and fried carbs. I'm disgusted. Why didn't I just eat a stick of fried butter while I was at it. So after Disneyland and dining out for the last 2 days my hard work of making it under 150 is gone. I know it. I weighed myself when I got home (though it was the middle of the day instead of the morning) and I was 154! I Thats 6 pounds!!! I'm not sure how thats possible, but I can't handle it. I need to be back under 150 by Monday at the latest.

I don't want to look like this.

Give me the strength and control.

I did it!

So I was really careful about what I ate yesterday. I only ate dinner: baked chicken, fruit, and some peas. About 400 calories total.

Then I ran and did P90x Ab RipperX: best ab work out <3
http://www.myspace.com/video/gu-l/p90x-ab-ripper-x/61294908

And guess what? I was 148 this morning! Now that I am actually under 150, I'm terrified of getting above it when I'm on vacation the next couple days. Urghhh, and I have to be in a bathing suit. Talk about embarrassing. At least my stomach isn't hanging out all over the place like it was a couple months ago.

Oh and I found this great new site, www.mybodygallery.com, thanks to http://thinloveandothersacrifices.blogspot.com/2011/08/game-on.html?zx=acd74f62687d6874. Its great! You can put in your height and weight, or your height and ideal weight to see what people actually look like. I don't know about you guys, but I think my perception is a little screwed up. Whatever.

Ethiopian: it gets me every time.

So I was good all day yesterday, didn't eat a thing all day. UNTIL, my dad suggested we go out to Ethiopian one last time before I went back to school. Oh my, it was tasty. But then I got really full and my stomach definitely got stretched out. So the number on my scale didn't go down :( But at least it didn't go up! It stayed right at 150.

Urgh, 150 is such an ugly number. I can't wait until I'm out of the 50s! I'Dm going to Disneyland on Tuesday, which I know will be a disaster eating wise, so I've really got to step up the restricting today, tomorrow, and the day after Disneyland so it doesn't ruin all my hard work!

Wish me luck!

Thinspo.

Watching the number goings Dowwnnnnn

150.2 this morning. 

Don't you just love when you step onto the scale and the number is lower than the last time? I feel like there are a select few people that understand the elation and joy that it fills me with every time that number creeps into the air. 

One day, maybe I'll be so light and so happy, that my joy will lift me into the air.

I ordered my bikini for next summer, so now I have something to inspire me and motivate me. There is no way this will be cute if I'm still a cow. So gotta get pretty and skinny so I can show it off :)

I'm looking back at pictures from May and I'm shocked I ever let myself get like that. I mean I'm still way heavier then I ever wanted to be, but these pictures are truly disgusting.

Beginning of summer. Fat arms and a gut.

Now: Arms are still chubby, but way better

Stomach at end of May. I'm gonna throw up looking at it.

Now. Chubs for sure. But it's a work in progress.

I go back to school next week, and I'm terrified. One of my roommates (a tiny dancer), well she had an eating disorder in middle school but now she's all normal and stuff, but she is always watching me like a hawk and making me eat. I used to talk about food and weight and feeling fat all the time without even thinking. You know how it is, it becomes second nature. Its all you want to talk about! She is always concerned. Honey, have you seen these thighs? No way am I out of control.

Be thinspired Ladies! (and gents)

On a better note...

So I guess my freak out yesterday really wasn't as bad as I thought. I woke up this morning and was 153.8...Definitely not as bad as 156.8. I'm just so mad at myself for letting it go up at all! Grrrr....

So I just bought a pair of size 6/8 pants last week and they fit well. Now they are already big! Its amazing....though it stinks that I wasted the money.

I ran this morning for the first time in 2 weeks. I thought I was going to die. I'm going to start exercising in the mornings again. I miss it, and DEFINITELY need it.

When I make it to my goal weights I'm going to reward myself with 2 things:

         1. I love Hudson jeans, but they are like $150. So when I get back to a size 2, I will buy myself a nice pair!

         2. I love retro bikinis. you know, the ones with the high waist? So next summer, if I've made it to my goal (which I better have) I will buy myself one, no matter the cost. And no matter what my mom says. (My mother is very conservative and thinks its inappropriate to show off your stomach at any time. )

All ruined in one day.

Its not fair. It takes days of pain and suffering to lose those few pounds and only 1 day to gain it all back. After a week of eating under 500 a day I was finally down to 152. Binged yesterday. 156.8 today. KILL ME NOW.

Is that even scientifically possible?! I know I did not eat 5x3500 = 17500 calories. I probably ate like 3000. Even then, thats should be like what...a pound? 

I hate myself. I hate my fat stomach. My jiggly, squishy thighs.  My round butt. People say I look like a Barbie. Well I definitely don't have a Barbie body. Barbie doesn't come in size HUGE. 

Here's the plan....water and maybe a little bit of juice all day. And if in the evening I'm going crazy then fruits and veggies. Lets pray that I don't spiral into a binge again.

Pray for me! Stay strong <3

Thinspo:

Almost there

Well I didn't quite make my goal of being 154 today, but I was close! I made it to 155.00. I'm scared to go on vacation with no scale. I know I'll be back in a few days, but what if I gain back all I lost this week?!

My boss even asked me if I lost weight. I've lost 15 lbs since I started working there. I felt like I was flying after he asked me that! And he's the guy that doesn't really notice anything, so the fact that he noticed I lost weight made me fee awesome.

Oh Ana, how you feed my soul.

Its been a Rollercoaster

Between my period, bloating, cravings, and 3 day binges, my weight has been crazy up and down. I'm actually shocked its not more. I need to get out of this barely eating for 4 days, binge 3 days cycle. I miss the old days where not even considering eating food for days at a time was not problem. At one point this weekend I was up to 163, but as of this morning I was 157. Ugh I've been stuck at this weight for way too long. I wanted to be 150 by the end of June and 140 by the end of July, well guess what? Its effing August now and I'm no where close! I hate myself and my food-wired brain and that I need to depend on food. This weekend I'm going to my friend's wedding. She's 19, what the heck is she thinking?! He's older, but still! Shes a baby!

But anyways, I'm going to be seeing all these people from school and I don't want to look obese. I need to be at least 154 by Thursday when I leave. So I need to super careful in order to lose about a pound a day.

I ran 8.5 miles on Saturday, which I think helped my weight not sky rocket from all the junk I ate. But now I'm sore and achey all over and have no desire to run. But I need to!! Maybe I'll get my brother to run with me or maybe I'll just got to the gym. We'll see what I'm in the mood for tonight