Binge --> Skinny

So I was down to 148 last Friday, weekend = binge, up to 153, back in control, down to 149 again. Need to be lower.

I'm going home on Monday afternoon, I want to be 146 by then. And 145 by Thanksgiving (one week from today) then maybe I won't feel guilty about a one day binge...but I know I will regardless. Maybe by then I'll have enough control I won't even want to binge. A girl can dream right?

This week has sucked. I got up yesterday morning at 6:30 for spin class and didn't go to sleep until 11 am today! I was grading until 7:30 this morning. I hate teaching. I think I'm going to try and get into design school. I need to be thinner for that. Who wants be buy clothes from a fat person?

149.4

I broke 150 for the first time in at least a month. I'm glad that I'm under 150 but I'm not as elated as I thought I'd be. I need to be Lower! I don't even feel any skinnier.

My best friend "A" is moving here in January. I can't wait. We always stick together when it comes to eating (or should I say "not eating").  I'll be so glad to have a person without the same issues and goals right with me all the time.

The thing I've been really grossed out about lately are my hips and legs. They are HUGE. I'm super disproportionate. I've got a 26 inch waist and a 41 inch hip. Yeah, I know. With my waist size I should (if I was proportionate) have a 37 inch hip.

One day I'll achieve the tiny waist and matching tiny hips.

150.2

Weigh in: 150.2

I love that in two days I've already dropped 5 pounds. I know it won't continue to come off that fast but the pure joy it gives me to see that number drop keeps my motivation strong.

Food yesterday:
Fiber plus bar: 130
Green beans: 120
Dry Cereal: 100
Jello Salad: 150
Banana: 80
Total: 580 calories

Exercise....not so much. I do ride my bike to school, that's a mile, and I walk at least a mile everyday. I'm on campus for a long time today meaning I won't even be able to eat! YAY!

I'm addicted to Gossip Girl lately, which definitely encourages my desire to be thin and beautiful. I can't wait to be as waif as the Blake Lively and Leighton Meester.

Progress already

I love when my motivation is renewed. I feel like I can conquer my fatness (well eventually). I know it'll take time, but I love having an empty stomach and not even feeling the desire of food.

Yesterday I ate about 650 calories:

Beans: 180
Coke Zero: 0
Banana: 80
Dry cereal: 110
Cookie: 150
Fiber-Plus bar: 130

I didn't want the cookie, but my friend made them especially for me and was watching me. ughhhh :(

Weigh-in today: 152.6
Maybe by the end of the week I can be under 150. I'm dying to break 150 again.



Thinspo:

I want thin legs like this so badly!

Long time no write...

So I haven't written in over a month. And wow, what a month. (Not in a good way). This semester has been hectic and stressful like nothing I've ever experienced. It's miserable. I'm working this semester in addition to taking the hardest classes I've ever taken. I can't handle it. I have mental breakdowns several times a week. To make things worse, I've been eating crap, barely exercising, and gaining weight like crazy. Earlier this semester I was down to 146...Now: 155.

Nine freaking pounds. Nine times the hate for myself. Nine times the stress. I need to get it off. I feel awful. Always. I hate myself and the lard I've become.

I go home in 2 and a half weeks for Thanksgiving, I will be at least 146 by then. Let's see if I can eat under 500 calories a day. I know I will today because my motivation is high. I have zero desire to eat...pretty much zero desire to do anything.

Maybe I'm depressed? Or maybe I'm bipolar? Lately I have had these crazy mood swings from extremely happy to depression. My brother is bipolar and suffers from depression. Maybe it runs in the family. It doesn't help my stress that this same brother was hospitalized last week for trying to kill himself. I've been bottling it up. I haven't told any of my roommates. They wouldn't understand. The worst thing they've ever experienced is not getting onto the performance team they wanted or getting a B on a test.

I feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm quitting my job after this semester. It's killing me.