So I haven't written in over a month. And wow, what a month. (Not in a good way). This semester has been hectic and stressful like nothing I've ever experienced. It's miserable. I'm working this semester in addition to taking the hardest classes I've ever taken. I can't handle it. I have mental breakdowns several times a week. To make things worse, I've been eating crap, barely exercising, and gaining weight like crazy. Earlier this semester I was down to 146...Now: 155.
Nine freaking pounds. Nine times the hate for myself. Nine times the stress. I need to get it off. I feel awful. Always. I hate myself and the lard I've become.
I go home in 2 and a half weeks for Thanksgiving, I will be at least 146 by then. Let's see if I can eat under 500 calories a day. I know I will today because my motivation is high. I have zero desire to eat...pretty much zero desire to do anything.
Maybe I'm depressed? Or maybe I'm bipolar? Lately I have had these crazy mood swings from extremely happy to depression. My brother is bipolar and suffers from depression. Maybe it runs in the family. It doesn't help my stress that this same brother was hospitalized last week for trying to kill himself. I've been bottling it up. I haven't told any of my roommates. They wouldn't understand. The worst thing they've ever experienced is not getting onto the performance team they wanted or getting a B on a test.
I feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm quitting my job after this semester. It's killing me.
Nine freaking pounds. Nine times the hate for myself. Nine times the stress. I need to get it off. I feel awful. Always. I hate myself and the lard I've become.
I go home in 2 and a half weeks for Thanksgiving, I will be at least 146 by then. Let's see if I can eat under 500 calories a day. I know I will today because my motivation is high. I have zero desire to eat...pretty much zero desire to do anything.
Maybe I'm depressed? Or maybe I'm bipolar? Lately I have had these crazy mood swings from extremely happy to depression. My brother is bipolar and suffers from depression. Maybe it runs in the family. It doesn't help my stress that this same brother was hospitalized last week for trying to kill himself. I've been bottling it up. I haven't told any of my roommates. They wouldn't understand. The worst thing they've ever experienced is not getting onto the performance team they wanted or getting a B on a test.
I feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm quitting my job after this semester. It's killing me.
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