161.4 pounds
down .6 pounds from yesterday
binged and ate a million calories...Scared to weigh myself tomorrow.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Worst Day...
Today has been HORRIBLE. I'm sick of this cold, freezing, miserable country. I've been gone for 8 months and I cannot handle it anymore. I miss the United States. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Consumed 800 calories...bad
Today's weight: 162 pounds
Down 1 from yesterday
Down 4 from Monday.
Not even my weight loss can pull me out of this funk.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Just Keep Going
Today felt easier than yesterday, my stomach is starting to shrink so the hunger isn't as bad. Though I did feel rather weak today. I danced for an hour and a half and there were times I definitely felt like I was going to pass out. But it's okay, I feel fine now! And I stopped eating at 2 p.m.
Today's weight: 163.2 pounds
Down .8 from yesterday
My weight and body is still disgusting, but at least my stomach is starting to flatten out a little bit and at least progress is being made. I'm trying harder to focus on the positive in things, which is hard in general, but especially hard when it comes to my body.
Exercise: Dancing = 528 calories burned
Food:
Small apple = 77 calories
Pez candy = 35 calories
Bugles chips = 434 calories
3 Crystal Light packets = 15 calories
Lindt truffle = 70 calories
Total calories = 631 calories
So if you subtract what I burned from what I consumed, my net calories is 103...so even though some of the things I were ate were unhealthy...overall, not too bad of a day. I guess we'll see if the scale agrees with me tomorrow!
Today's weight: 163.2 pounds
Down .8 from yesterday
My weight and body is still disgusting, but at least my stomach is starting to flatten out a little bit and at least progress is being made. I'm trying harder to focus on the positive in things, which is hard in general, but especially hard when it comes to my body.
Exercise: Dancing = 528 calories burned
Food:
Small apple = 77 calories
Pez candy = 35 calories
Bugles chips = 434 calories
3 Crystal Light packets = 15 calories
Lindt truffle = 70 calories
Total calories = 631 calories
So if you subtract what I burned from what I consumed, my net calories is 103...so even though some of the things I were ate were unhealthy...overall, not too bad of a day. I guess we'll see if the scale agrees with me tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Day 2 is always the hardest
Day 2 is always the hardest for me, it's the day that my hunger from the day before carries over a little bit, it's the day that I begin to look up recipes of all the things I want to eat, and really obsess over food. But I'm trying to stay strong! I finally just closed my tab open to Pinterest and brushed my teeth to stop me from eating anything else. Even though, mentally, today had been a struggle, I've done pretty well.
Today's weight: 164 pounds
So I'm down 2 from yesterday! I just hope it'll continue like this....
Food:
Diet Hot Chocolate = 25 calories
Instant Chicken Noodle Soup = 80 calories
Zone Perfect Protein Bar = 190 calories
2 Lindt Truffles = 140 calories
3 Crystal Light packets = 15 calories
1 cup beef broth = 10 calories
TOTAL: 460 calories
I'm relearning to love the empty feeling, to embrace the hunger. I love that I am back in control, my will is stronger than my natural and disgusting instincts to consume. I don't need it, because I am stronger than all of it.
Thinspo:
Today's weight: 164 pounds
So I'm down 2 from yesterday! I just hope it'll continue like this....
Food:
Diet Hot Chocolate = 25 calories
Instant Chicken Noodle Soup = 80 calories
Zone Perfect Protein Bar = 190 calories
2 Lindt Truffles = 140 calories
3 Crystal Light packets = 15 calories
1 cup beef broth = 10 calories
TOTAL: 460 calories
I'm relearning to love the empty feeling, to embrace the hunger. I love that I am back in control, my will is stronger than my natural and disgusting instincts to consume. I don't need it, because I am stronger than all of it.
Thinspo:
Kendall Jenner
Ugh, love those hip bones
Badgley mischka
Katie Cassidy (totally obsessed with her legs)
Story of my life
My new motto (Oh my goodness, that waist! <3)
Perfect.
Legs!
Monday, November 26, 2012
A good start to a new beginning
Today's weight: 166.0 pounds
So with my motivation renewed, here is how today went...
No exercise: bad
But eating wise, not too shabby:
2 cups of rice = 438 calories
3 sugar-free hard candies = 24 calories
3 packets of crystal light = 15 calories
1 zone perfect protein bar = 190 calories
1 medium orange = 60 calories
TOTAL = 727 Calories
It's not my best, but considering what I've been eating normally, I was happy with the start. I go home in 3 weeks from Wednesday, so I'm hoping I can be down at least 15 pounds by then. It's a high goal, but I think I can do it!
“It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.”
- Marya Hornbacher, author of Wasted: A Memoir of an Anorexic and Bulimic
If you haven't read Wasted: A Memoir of an Anorexic and Bulimic, you definitely should. She is an incredible and beautiful writer, and I cannot help but see myself in her struggles. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder would see themselves in it. Read it! Read it even if you don't have an eating disorder, it is engaging and highly informative.
So with my motivation renewed, here is how today went...
No exercise: bad
But eating wise, not too shabby:
2 cups of rice = 438 calories
3 sugar-free hard candies = 24 calories
3 packets of crystal light = 15 calories
1 zone perfect protein bar = 190 calories
1 medium orange = 60 calories
TOTAL = 727 Calories
It's not my best, but considering what I've been eating normally, I was happy with the start. I go home in 3 weeks from Wednesday, so I'm hoping I can be down at least 15 pounds by then. It's a high goal, but I think I can do it!
“It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.”
- Marya Hornbacher, author of Wasted: A Memoir of an Anorexic and Bulimic
If you haven't read Wasted: A Memoir of an Anorexic and Bulimic, you definitely should. She is an incredible and beautiful writer, and I cannot help but see myself in her struggles. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder would see themselves in it. Read it! Read it even if you don't have an eating disorder, it is engaging and highly informative.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
I hate myself. I hate my body.
In one year I've put on 26 pounds. I am 169 pounds. I cannot even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I've been dieting constantly and putting on weight constantly. It doesn't make any sense.
I guess I've got to take things to the extremes. I'm going to start writing on here regularly now, hopefully that'll keep me more motivated and on track.
HELP ME!
I guess I've got to take things to the extremes. I'm going to start writing on here regularly now, hopefully that'll keep me more motivated and on track.
HELP ME!
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