Starting Over

So I reread all my old posts and I realized how out of control I've let myself become. I'm almost back up to the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I am currently 168. I've been on a non-stop two day binge. So as of this moment I am going to get my act together and get my weight back down. In my dream world I'd be in the 120s, but my goal for now is to get under 150. Lets see how close I can get in the next month!

I'm disgusting, and I feel disgusting. When I feel and look as fat as I am I have little desire to do anything or see anyone because it is so embarassing. So its time to stop being embarrassed and get my butt into shape. And lose all this weight I've gained in the last year.

Here we go! And I'm excited to be back on this journey to thinness! <3

Up and back down.

 After my Saturday binge I was up to a whopping 164...But don't worry, today I weighed in at 160.2. So hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to break the 160 mark and finally be back down in the 150s. It's sad that  I'll be happy to be back in the 150s, a year ago I would've been absolutely disgusted...which I still am. But at least progress is being made. I guess the good thing about living in a place where the food is absolutely disgusting is, even when I'm starving and want to eat, I don't have many options, and if I do eat the food it makes me want to throw up. I guess it's like aversion therapy. I'm aiming to be 157 by Friday. 

Uh Oh

 161.4 pounds

down .6 pounds from yesterday

binged and ate a million calories...Scared to weigh myself tomorrow.

Worst Day...

 Today has been HORRIBLE. I'm sick of this cold, freezing, miserable country. I've been gone for 8 months and I cannot handle it anymore. I miss the United States. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Consumed 800 calories...bad

Today's weight: 162 pounds

Down 1 from yesterday

Down 4 from Monday.

Not even my weight loss can pull me out of this funk. 

Just Keep Going

Today felt easier than yesterday, my stomach is starting to shrink so the hunger isn't as bad. Though I did feel rather weak today. I danced for an hour and a half and there were times I definitely felt like I was going to pass out. But it's okay, I feel fine now! And I stopped eating at 2 p.m.

Today's weight: 163.2 pounds
Down .8 from yesterday

My weight and body is still disgusting, but at least my stomach is starting to flatten out a little bit and at least progress is being made. I'm trying harder to focus on the positive in things, which is hard in general, but especially hard when it comes to my body.

Exercise: Dancing = 528 calories burned

Food:
Small apple = 77 calories
Pez candy = 35 calories
Bugles chips = 434 calories
3 Crystal Light packets = 15 calories
Lindt truffle = 70 calories

Total calories = 631 calories

So if you subtract what I burned from what I consumed, my net calories is 103...so even though some of the things I were ate were unhealthy...overall, not too bad of a day. I guess we'll see if the scale agrees with me tomorrow!

Day 2 is always the hardest

Day 2 is always the hardest for me, it's the day that my hunger from the day before carries over a little bit, it's the day that I begin to look up recipes of all the things I want to eat, and really obsess over  food. But I'm trying to stay strong! I finally just closed my tab open to Pinterest and brushed my teeth to stop me from eating anything else. Even though, mentally, today had been a struggle, I've done pretty well.

Today's weight: 164 pounds

So I'm down 2 from yesterday! I just hope it'll continue like this....

Food:

Diet Hot Chocolate = 25 calories
Instant Chicken Noodle Soup = 80 calories
Zone Perfect Protein Bar = 190 calories
2 Lindt Truffles = 140 calories
3 Crystal Light packets = 15 calories
1 cup beef broth = 10 calories

TOTAL: 460 calories

I'm relearning to love the empty feeling, to embrace the hunger. I love that I am back in control, my will is stronger than my natural and disgusting instincts to consume. I don't need it, because I am stronger than all of it.

Thinspo:

Kendall Jenner

Ugh, love those hip bones

Badgley mischka

Katie Cassidy (totally obsessed with her legs)

Story of my life

My new motto (Oh my goodness, that waist! <3)

Perfect.

Legs!

A good start to a new beginning

Today's weight: 166.0 pounds

So with my motivation renewed, here is how today went...

No exercise: bad

But eating wise, not too shabby:

2 cups of rice = 438 calories
3 sugar-free hard candies = 24 calories
3 packets of crystal light = 15 calories
1 zone perfect protein bar = 190 calories
1 medium orange = 60 calories

TOTAL = 727 Calories

It's not my best, but considering what I've been eating normally, I was happy with the start. I go home in 3 weeks from Wednesday, so I'm hoping I can be down at least 15 pounds by then. It's a high goal, but I think I can do it!

“It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.”  
                      - Marya Hornbacher, author of Wasted: A Memoir of an Anorexic and Bulimic

If you haven't read Wasted: A Memoir of an Anorexic and Bulimic, you definitely should. She is an incredible and beautiful writer, and I cannot help but see myself in her struggles. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder would see themselves in it. Read it! Read it even if you don't have an eating disorder, it is engaging and highly informative.