Progress already

I love when my motivation is renewed. I feel like I can conquer my fatness (well eventually). I know it'll take time, but I love having an empty stomach and not even feeling the desire of food.

Yesterday I ate about 650 calories:

Beans: 180
Coke Zero: 0
Banana: 80
Dry cereal: 110
Cookie: 150
Fiber-Plus bar: 130

I didn't want the cookie, but my friend made them especially for me and was watching me. ughhhh :(

Weigh-in today: 152.6
Maybe by the end of the week I can be under 150. I'm dying to break 150 again.



Thinspo:

I want thin legs like this so badly!

Long time no write...

So I haven't written in over a month. And wow, what a month. (Not in a good way). This semester has been hectic and stressful like nothing I've ever experienced. It's miserable. I'm working this semester in addition to taking the hardest classes I've ever taken. I can't handle it. I have mental breakdowns several times a week. To make things worse, I've been eating crap, barely exercising, and gaining weight like crazy. Earlier this semester I was down to 146...Now: 155.

Nine freaking pounds. Nine times the hate for myself. Nine times the stress. I need to get it off. I feel awful. Always. I hate myself and the lard I've become.

I go home in 2 and a half weeks for Thanksgiving, I will be at least 146 by then. Let's see if I can eat under 500 calories a day. I know I will today because my motivation is high. I have zero desire to eat...pretty much zero desire to do anything.

Maybe I'm depressed? Or maybe I'm bipolar? Lately I have had these crazy mood swings from extremely happy to depression. My brother is bipolar and suffers from depression. Maybe it runs in the family. It doesn't help my stress that this same brother was hospitalized last week for trying to kill himself. I've been bottling it up. I haven't told any of my roommates. They wouldn't understand. The worst thing they've ever experienced is not getting onto the performance team they wanted or getting a B on a test.

I feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm quitting my job after this semester. It's killing me.

Just Plain T-i-r-e-d.

Weight: 150

Do you guys ever feel just plain tired of everything?

Tired of feeling fat?
Tired of not getting what you want?
Tired of school? Tired of food?
Tired of thinking about every move you make?
Tired of feeling awful about yourself?
Basically: tired of life.

This week started off awful. I was an emotional wreck. I felt like all my roommates hated me, I was the fattest person alive, my self-esteem was just completely shot.

So I tried a new approach to everything: don't think about it. I tried not to stress about calories food, ate what I wanted when I wanted, exercised when I felt like it...It was a bizarre weird break. And it kind of worked, I started feeling a little bit better about myself. And surprisingly I didn't gain any weight, unfortunately I didn't lose either. I almost felt normal. 

Alas, as always, things are short lived. I looked in the mirror today and though the scale says I haven't gained weight since yesterday, I looked like I gained 20 pounds.

Is it in my mind? Or is it reality?

I feel just plain sick now. I regret eating everything I touched this week and am re-motivated to lose weight. My parents are here this weekend so I won't be able to start tomorrow or Sunday. But Monday my weightless journey starts anew!

I need a support buddy to text and keep me motivated! Anyone willing??

JUNK FUNK

I just can't seem to get a grip on myself. I can see myself expanding, I can feel myself growing more and more disgusted with myself every day, but I cannot seem to stop eating. I feel a constant need to be putting something in my mouth. We've had baked goods at my apartment almost everyday this week, and I am usually the one eating half the pan.

I've ballooned to 154.6 lbs. Thats 8.6 pounds in two weeks. And about 5 of it is the last 5 days.

The boy I'm in love with, well I thought he was interested, but why would he be when I'm the size of a hippo? He's perfect, I feel so insecure around him. He's too good for me. Maybe he'll take a second glance when I've dropped the extra baggage on my thighs and hips.

I am going to get a grip on myself and get thin. I WILL get a grip on myself. I WILL get thin.

Weight increase. Self-Esteem decrease.

I've been eating crap for the last few days, I'm sure I'm back up to 150 or higher but I'm too afraid to check.  I've been PMSing so that always makes me hungry and in bad mood...resulting in binges. But I'm determined to get back down to 146 by the end of the week. THIS IS GOING TO BE A STRICT, GET BACK ON TRACK WEEK. I'm sick of feeling fat. I used to think guys stared at me because I was pretty. Now I think they are staring at chub on face, arms, legs, stomach. I've been running a little and going to spin but I'm super out of shape. But I'm going to get back into shape, starting tomorrow! Wish me luck.

Hate. Fail. Fat.

2 day binge. 146 -->150. This is disgusting. I need to get back on track. Attempting to fast tomorrow.Wish me luck.

Hello Plateau.

Ugh. So I've plateaued. I've been stuck at 146 for 3 days now! I need to get these dang extra pounds off. I'm sick of them hanging around like an annoying pest that won't go away. I hate feeling too big to even be pretty enough to have a boy look my way. I need to be under 140 by the end of September.