Effff

So I was down to 144.6 yesterday.

Binge. 147 today.

Kill me.

Getting back on track.

I can do this.

So my Thanksgiving goal was a bust. I was 148 when I went home and 151 when I came back. Thankfully I am now down to 145. We are doing a huge formal family photo in two weeks and I don't think I could bare it if I am over 140 posted up in the house for everyone to see for years to come....So I'm aiming to be 135, I just hope I can stay strong and make it! All the Christmas goodies are already killing me  but I've managed to avoid them so far! Though it'll be worse once I'm home for the holidays. Ugh.

Wish me luck!

Binge --> Skinny

So I was down to 148 last Friday, weekend = binge, up to 153, back in control, down to 149 again. Need to be lower.

I'm going home on Monday afternoon, I want to be 146 by then. And 145 by Thanksgiving (one week from today) then maybe I won't feel guilty about a one day binge...but I know I will regardless. Maybe by then I'll have enough control I won't even want to binge. A girl can dream right?

This week has sucked. I got up yesterday morning at 6:30 for spin class and didn't go to sleep until 11 am today! I was grading until 7:30 this morning. I hate teaching. I think I'm going to try and get into design school. I need to be thinner for that. Who wants be buy clothes from a fat person?

149.4

I broke 150 for the first time in at least a month. I'm glad that I'm under 150 but I'm not as elated as I thought I'd be. I need to be Lower! I don't even feel any skinnier.

My best friend "A" is moving here in January. I can't wait. We always stick together when it comes to eating (or should I say "not eating").  I'll be so glad to have a person without the same issues and goals right with me all the time.

The thing I've been really grossed out about lately are my hips and legs. They are HUGE. I'm super disproportionate. I've got a 26 inch waist and a 41 inch hip. Yeah, I know. With my waist size I should (if I was proportionate) have a 37 inch hip.

One day I'll achieve the tiny waist and matching tiny hips.

150.2

Weigh in: 150.2

I love that in two days I've already dropped 5 pounds. I know it won't continue to come off that fast but the pure joy it gives me to see that number drop keeps my motivation strong.

Food yesterday:
Fiber plus bar: 130
Green beans: 120
Dry Cereal: 100
Jello Salad: 150
Banana: 80
Total: 580 calories

Exercise....not so much. I do ride my bike to school, that's a mile, and I walk at least a mile everyday. I'm on campus for a long time today meaning I won't even be able to eat! YAY!

I'm addicted to Gossip Girl lately, which definitely encourages my desire to be thin and beautiful. I can't wait to be as waif as the Blake Lively and Leighton Meester.

Progress already

I love when my motivation is renewed. I feel like I can conquer my fatness (well eventually). I know it'll take time, but I love having an empty stomach and not even feeling the desire of food.

Yesterday I ate about 650 calories:

Beans: 180
Coke Zero: 0
Banana: 80
Dry cereal: 110
Cookie: 150
Fiber-Plus bar: 130

I didn't want the cookie, but my friend made them especially for me and was watching me. ughhhh :(

Weigh-in today: 152.6
Maybe by the end of the week I can be under 150. I'm dying to break 150 again.



Thinspo:

I want thin legs like this so badly!

Long time no write...

So I haven't written in over a month. And wow, what a month. (Not in a good way). This semester has been hectic and stressful like nothing I've ever experienced. It's miserable. I'm working this semester in addition to taking the hardest classes I've ever taken. I can't handle it. I have mental breakdowns several times a week. To make things worse, I've been eating crap, barely exercising, and gaining weight like crazy. Earlier this semester I was down to 146...Now: 155.

Nine freaking pounds. Nine times the hate for myself. Nine times the stress. I need to get it off. I feel awful. Always. I hate myself and the lard I've become.

I go home in 2 and a half weeks for Thanksgiving, I will be at least 146 by then. Let's see if I can eat under 500 calories a day. I know I will today because my motivation is high. I have zero desire to eat...pretty much zero desire to do anything.

Maybe I'm depressed? Or maybe I'm bipolar? Lately I have had these crazy mood swings from extremely happy to depression. My brother is bipolar and suffers from depression. Maybe it runs in the family. It doesn't help my stress that this same brother was hospitalized last week for trying to kill himself. I've been bottling it up. I haven't told any of my roommates. They wouldn't understand. The worst thing they've ever experienced is not getting onto the performance team they wanted or getting a B on a test.

I feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm quitting my job after this semester. It's killing me.

Just Plain T-i-r-e-d.

Weight: 150

Do you guys ever feel just plain tired of everything?

Tired of feeling fat?
Tired of not getting what you want?
Tired of school? Tired of food?
Tired of thinking about every move you make?
Tired of feeling awful about yourself?
Basically: tired of life.

This week started off awful. I was an emotional wreck. I felt like all my roommates hated me, I was the fattest person alive, my self-esteem was just completely shot.

So I tried a new approach to everything: don't think about it. I tried not to stress about calories food, ate what I wanted when I wanted, exercised when I felt like it...It was a bizarre weird break. And it kind of worked, I started feeling a little bit better about myself. And surprisingly I didn't gain any weight, unfortunately I didn't lose either. I almost felt normal. 

Alas, as always, things are short lived. I looked in the mirror today and though the scale says I haven't gained weight since yesterday, I looked like I gained 20 pounds.

Is it in my mind? Or is it reality?

I feel just plain sick now. I regret eating everything I touched this week and am re-motivated to lose weight. My parents are here this weekend so I won't be able to start tomorrow or Sunday. But Monday my weightless journey starts anew!

I need a support buddy to text and keep me motivated! Anyone willing??

JUNK FUNK

I just can't seem to get a grip on myself. I can see myself expanding, I can feel myself growing more and more disgusted with myself every day, but I cannot seem to stop eating. I feel a constant need to be putting something in my mouth. We've had baked goods at my apartment almost everyday this week, and I am usually the one eating half the pan.

I've ballooned to 154.6 lbs. Thats 8.6 pounds in two weeks. And about 5 of it is the last 5 days.

The boy I'm in love with, well I thought he was interested, but why would he be when I'm the size of a hippo? He's perfect, I feel so insecure around him. He's too good for me. Maybe he'll take a second glance when I've dropped the extra baggage on my thighs and hips.

I am going to get a grip on myself and get thin. I WILL get a grip on myself. I WILL get thin.

Weight increase. Self-Esteem decrease.

I've been eating crap for the last few days, I'm sure I'm back up to 150 or higher but I'm too afraid to check.  I've been PMSing so that always makes me hungry and in bad mood...resulting in binges. But I'm determined to get back down to 146 by the end of the week. THIS IS GOING TO BE A STRICT, GET BACK ON TRACK WEEK. I'm sick of feeling fat. I used to think guys stared at me because I was pretty. Now I think they are staring at chub on face, arms, legs, stomach. I've been running a little and going to spin but I'm super out of shape. But I'm going to get back into shape, starting tomorrow! Wish me luck.

Hate. Fail. Fat.

2 day binge. 146 -->150. This is disgusting. I need to get back on track. Attempting to fast tomorrow.Wish me luck.

Hello Plateau.

Ugh. So I've plateaued. I've been stuck at 146 for 3 days now! I need to get these dang extra pounds off. I'm sick of them hanging around like an annoying pest that won't go away. I hate feeling too big to even be pretty enough to have a boy look my way. I need to be under 140 by the end of September.

Going down

Weigh in today: 147.8. I'm getting there.

 I've been eating about 500 calories a day.

 Exercise: not so much...except LOTS of walking, I guess.

I love that I'm not even hungry anymore. It feels amazing.

And So it Begins....

School starts today. Yuck.

I made it to 149. That was good, but it needs to be lower.

I'm stressed because I have to work while taking the stinking hardest classes ever and I'm afraid I'm going to gain weight. Already yesterday I was craving all kinds of sweets and starches that I haven't craved in weeks. It's my roommates! They make me want to eat junk 24/7. But there is no way I'm going down that path again.

A lot of my roommates notices that I was thinner than when they last saw me. Thats because I was a obese cow when the last saw me. Not that I'm a stick now, but I'm getting closer. I love that my hipbones are starting to stick out. It makes the headaches and growling stomach worth it.

Its not worth it.

I hate myself. I hate my weakness. I hate that just when I've mastered myself control slips through my fingers. I'm disgusting.

Just when I was finally making progress I go on a two day binge of nothing but fried fat and fried carbs. I'm disgusted. Why didn't I just eat a stick of fried butter while I was at it. So after Disneyland and dining out for the last 2 days my hard work of making it under 150 is gone. I know it. I weighed myself when I got home (though it was the middle of the day instead of the morning) and I was 154! I Thats 6 pounds!!! I'm not sure how thats possible, but I can't handle it. I need to be back under 150 by Monday at the latest.

I don't want to look like this.

Give me the strength and control.

I did it!

So I was really careful about what I ate yesterday. I only ate dinner: baked chicken, fruit, and some peas. About 400 calories total.

Then I ran and did P90x Ab RipperX: best ab work out <3
http://www.myspace.com/video/gu-l/p90x-ab-ripper-x/61294908

And guess what? I was 148 this morning! Now that I am actually under 150, I'm terrified of getting above it when I'm on vacation the next couple days. Urghhh, and I have to be in a bathing suit. Talk about embarrassing. At least my stomach isn't hanging out all over the place like it was a couple months ago.

Oh and I found this great new site, www.mybodygallery.com, thanks to http://thinloveandothersacrifices.blogspot.com/2011/08/game-on.html?zx=acd74f62687d6874. Its great! You can put in your height and weight, or your height and ideal weight to see what people actually look like. I don't know about you guys, but I think my perception is a little screwed up. Whatever.

Ethiopian: it gets me every time.

So I was good all day yesterday, didn't eat a thing all day. UNTIL, my dad suggested we go out to Ethiopian one last time before I went back to school. Oh my, it was tasty. But then I got really full and my stomach definitely got stretched out. So the number on my scale didn't go down :( But at least it didn't go up! It stayed right at 150.

Urgh, 150 is such an ugly number. I can't wait until I'm out of the 50s! I'Dm going to Disneyland on Tuesday, which I know will be a disaster eating wise, so I've really got to step up the restricting today, tomorrow, and the day after Disneyland so it doesn't ruin all my hard work!

Wish me luck!

Thinspo.

Watching the number goings Dowwnnnnn

150.2 this morning. 

Don't you just love when you step onto the scale and the number is lower than the last time? I feel like there are a select few people that understand the elation and joy that it fills me with every time that number creeps into the air. 

One day, maybe I'll be so light and so happy, that my joy will lift me into the air.

I ordered my bikini for next summer, so now I have something to inspire me and motivate me. There is no way this will be cute if I'm still a cow. So gotta get pretty and skinny so I can show it off :)

I'm looking back at pictures from May and I'm shocked I ever let myself get like that. I mean I'm still way heavier then I ever wanted to be, but these pictures are truly disgusting.

Beginning of summer. Fat arms and a gut.

Now: Arms are still chubby, but way better

Stomach at end of May. I'm gonna throw up looking at it.

Now. Chubs for sure. But it's a work in progress.

I go back to school next week, and I'm terrified. One of my roommates (a tiny dancer), well she had an eating disorder in middle school but now she's all normal and stuff, but she is always watching me like a hawk and making me eat. I used to talk about food and weight and feeling fat all the time without even thinking. You know how it is, it becomes second nature. Its all you want to talk about! She is always concerned. Honey, have you seen these thighs? No way am I out of control.

Be thinspired Ladies! (and gents)

On a better note...

So I guess my freak out yesterday really wasn't as bad as I thought. I woke up this morning and was 153.8...Definitely not as bad as 156.8. I'm just so mad at myself for letting it go up at all! Grrrr....

So I just bought a pair of size 6/8 pants last week and they fit well. Now they are already big! Its amazing....though it stinks that I wasted the money.

I ran this morning for the first time in 2 weeks. I thought I was going to die. I'm going to start exercising in the mornings again. I miss it, and DEFINITELY need it.

When I make it to my goal weights I'm going to reward myself with 2 things:

         1. I love Hudson jeans, but they are like $150. So when I get back to a size 2, I will buy myself a nice pair!

         2. I love retro bikinis. you know, the ones with the high waist? So next summer, if I've made it to my goal (which I better have) I will buy myself one, no matter the cost. And no matter what my mom says. (My mother is very conservative and thinks its inappropriate to show off your stomach at any time. )

All ruined in one day.

Its not fair. It takes days of pain and suffering to lose those few pounds and only 1 day to gain it all back. After a week of eating under 500 a day I was finally down to 152. Binged yesterday. 156.8 today. KILL ME NOW.

Is that even scientifically possible?! I know I did not eat 5x3500 = 17500 calories. I probably ate like 3000. Even then, thats should be like what...a pound? 

I hate myself. I hate my fat stomach. My jiggly, squishy thighs.  My round butt. People say I look like a Barbie. Well I definitely don't have a Barbie body. Barbie doesn't come in size HUGE. 

Here's the plan....water and maybe a little bit of juice all day. And if in the evening I'm going crazy then fruits and veggies. Lets pray that I don't spiral into a binge again.

Pray for me! Stay strong <3

Thinspo: