All ruined in one day.

Its not fair. It takes days of pain and suffering to lose those few pounds and only 1 day to gain it all back. After a week of eating under 500 a day I was finally down to 152. Binged yesterday. 156.8 today. KILL ME NOW.

Is that even scientifically possible?! I know I did not eat 5x3500 = 17500 calories. I probably ate like 3000. Even then, thats should be like what...a pound? 

I hate myself. I hate my fat stomach. My jiggly, squishy thighs.  My round butt. People say I look like a Barbie. Well I definitely don't have a Barbie body. Barbie doesn't come in size HUGE. 

Here's the plan....water and maybe a little bit of juice all day. And if in the evening I'm going crazy then fruits and veggies. Lets pray that I don't spiral into a binge again.

Pray for me! Stay strong <3

Thinspo:

Almost there

Well I didn't quite make my goal of being 154 today, but I was close! I made it to 155.00. I'm scared to go on vacation with no scale. I know I'll be back in a few days, but what if I gain back all I lost this week?!

My boss even asked me if I lost weight. I've lost 15 lbs since I started working there. I felt like I was flying after he asked me that! And he's the guy that doesn't really notice anything, so the fact that he noticed I lost weight made me fee awesome.

Oh Ana, how you feed my soul.

Its been a Rollercoaster

Between my period, bloating, cravings, and 3 day binges, my weight has been crazy up and down. I'm actually shocked its not more. I need to get out of this barely eating for 4 days, binge 3 days cycle. I miss the old days where not even considering eating food for days at a time was not problem. At one point this weekend I was up to 163, but as of this morning I was 157. Ugh I've been stuck at this weight for way too long. I wanted to be 150 by the end of June and 140 by the end of July, well guess what? Its effing August now and I'm no where close! I hate myself and my food-wired brain and that I need to depend on food. This weekend I'm going to my friend's wedding. She's 19, what the heck is she thinking?! He's older, but still! Shes a baby!

But anyways, I'm going to be seeing all these people from school and I don't want to look obese. I need to be at least 154 by Thursday when I leave. So I need to super careful in order to lose about a pound a day.

I ran 8.5 miles on Saturday, which I think helped my weight not sky rocket from all the junk I ate. But now I'm sore and achey all over and have no desire to run. But I need to!! Maybe I'll get my brother to run with me or maybe I'll just got to the gym. We'll see what I'm in the mood for tonight

Stupid Menstration

So I'm on period, meaning I've been eating a TON the last few days. I cannot control myself when its that time of the month. I bounced up to 164 with bloating and whatever else was going on. Then yesterday I was down to 156.4?! Big jump! Yesterday I ate like a normal person because my dad has been yelling at me saying I don't eat enought. Obviously I'm eating plenty or I wouldn't look like a cow. Then today I was 158.4?! WTF?! How the heck does that happen? It was definitely 2 lbs. worth of food. Kill me.

The scale

Sorry for not writing consistently! Its been crazy...my weight has been like a rollercoaster then I plateaued at 158.6 FOREVER. It was awful. Then finally, it jumped down to 157.4, and today it said 156.2...but an hour later it said 157.4 again. Ughhh, so somehow, I managed to gain 1.2 pounds in an hour. I'm not sure how thats even possible. So I guess I'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I feel the need the check my weight whenever I'm in the bathroom or even passing it by. Is that weird?

Good news: My jeans aren't skin tight anymore! They are actually starting to fit again and my love handles (gross) aren't spilling over the top. Thank goodness. But its impossible to hide my hideously thick thighs. No matter what I wear I look like an elephant. My friends say a size 6 isn't big...thats awesome coming from a size 2. Yeah, you can talk. My roommate in the fall is a 2-4, I want to be able to say I'm at least the same size as her. Its not fair that she can fit in my clothes and wear them (even though they are too big) and I can't wear a single thing of hers.

I'm not eating the rest of the day. I want to say good bye (for good) to my tree trunk legs. You won't be missed.

Something's Gotta Give

So on Friday, BEFORE I went to Utah, I was down to 156...but a weekend with my family = disaster. I was 161 on Monday. 159 today...So hopefully I'll be down tomorrow. I ran 6 miles today and got wicked bad blisters. So I better be down after all the pain I wen through!

I am so sick of not being able to wear the clothes I want. Everything makes me look like a hippo. I realized something, it's not the clothes. IT'S ME. I want to wear whatever I want without even thinking about it. I want to wear short sleeves without worrying my arms are fat, I want to wear tight shirts without thinking. "Is my stomach flat today?"I want to wear short shorts and have awesome, thin, mile long legs. I want to wear skinny jeans and have people say, "She's one of the few that can pull those off."

I'm tired of feeling like I want to hide when people look at me. When I used to catch guys looking at me I used to think they were checking me out. Now I know they are staring at my huge butt and chunky thighs in disgust. I want to be that girl who gets stared at wherever I go: for the right reason.

I've got to change something and I'm tired of telling myself I'll be better tomorrow. Well, tomorrow will be today before I know it and so many tomorrows and have come and gone and nothing has changed.

So no longer am I going to change my life tomorrow. I'm going to change my body now.

3 days to get this

So I was doing pretty well until I went on vacation for the 4th of July. I went from 159 (sigh) to 157 and was feeling in control. But of course, a weekend away with lots of food and lots of people ruined EVERYTHING. It was a disaster. I'm afraid to even weigh myself. But I'm leaving again in 3 days for a beach trip so its crunch time! The next three days I need to eat as little as possible to feel alright at the beach and to help me not binge (again) while I'm there!