Stupid Menstration

So I'm on period, meaning I've been eating a TON the last few days. I cannot control myself when its that time of the month. I bounced up to 164 with bloating and whatever else was going on. Then yesterday I was down to 156.4?! Big jump! Yesterday I ate like a normal person because my dad has been yelling at me saying I don't eat enought. Obviously I'm eating plenty or I wouldn't look like a cow. Then today I was 158.4?! WTF?! How the heck does that happen? It was definitely 2 lbs. worth of food. Kill me.

The scale

Sorry for not writing consistently! Its been crazy...my weight has been like a rollercoaster then I plateaued at 158.6 FOREVER. It was awful. Then finally, it jumped down to 157.4, and today it said 156.2...but an hour later it said 157.4 again. Ughhh, so somehow, I managed to gain 1.2 pounds in an hour. I'm not sure how thats even possible. So I guess I'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I feel the need the check my weight whenever I'm in the bathroom or even passing it by. Is that weird?

Good news: My jeans aren't skin tight anymore! They are actually starting to fit again and my love handles (gross) aren't spilling over the top. Thank goodness. But its impossible to hide my hideously thick thighs. No matter what I wear I look like an elephant. My friends say a size 6 isn't big...thats awesome coming from a size 2. Yeah, you can talk. My roommate in the fall is a 2-4, I want to be able to say I'm at least the same size as her. Its not fair that she can fit in my clothes and wear them (even though they are too big) and I can't wear a single thing of hers.

I'm not eating the rest of the day. I want to say good bye (for good) to my tree trunk legs. You won't be missed.

Something's Gotta Give

So on Friday, BEFORE I went to Utah, I was down to 156...but a weekend with my family = disaster. I was 161 on Monday. 159 today...So hopefully I'll be down tomorrow. I ran 6 miles today and got wicked bad blisters. So I better be down after all the pain I wen through!

I am so sick of not being able to wear the clothes I want. Everything makes me look like a hippo. I realized something, it's not the clothes. IT'S ME. I want to wear whatever I want without even thinking about it. I want to wear short sleeves without worrying my arms are fat, I want to wear tight shirts without thinking. "Is my stomach flat today?"I want to wear short shorts and have awesome, thin, mile long legs. I want to wear skinny jeans and have people say, "She's one of the few that can pull those off."

I'm tired of feeling like I want to hide when people look at me. When I used to catch guys looking at me I used to think they were checking me out. Now I know they are staring at my huge butt and chunky thighs in disgust. I want to be that girl who gets stared at wherever I go: for the right reason.

I've got to change something and I'm tired of telling myself I'll be better tomorrow. Well, tomorrow will be today before I know it and so many tomorrows and have come and gone and nothing has changed.

So no longer am I going to change my life tomorrow. I'm going to change my body now.

3 days to get this

So I was doing pretty well until I went on vacation for the 4th of July. I went from 159 (sigh) to 157 and was feeling in control. But of course, a weekend away with lots of food and lots of people ruined EVERYTHING. It was a disaster. I'm afraid to even weigh myself. But I'm leaving again in 3 days for a beach trip so its crunch time! The next three days I need to eat as little as possible to feel alright at the beach and to help me not binge (again) while I'm there!

That can't be right.

So I'm not sure what to think. I stepped on the scale this morning, preparing to be horrified by the number, only to see that my weight was at 156.4.... I lost 2 pounds since yesterday??

That doesn't makes sense. I have 2 theories: 1) The diarrhea made me lose a lot of water weight. 2) I hadn't pooped in like 2 days so eating all the junk made me sick, gave me diarrhea, and I pooped everything out. Either way I think I might be heavier tomorrow.
-Sorry to sound gross/blunt or whatever but thats my thoughts.

Today I wasn't going to eat...But I barely woke up before I ate! UGHH, I want my self control back...this is what sucks about weekends. I have all this empty time to EAT. So I ate grapes (at like 11), 2 bowls of cereal, and cookie dough (around 3).And after that, I felt so disgusted with myself. You'd think I would've stopped... BUT NO! Then I ate pizza (A LOT OF PIZZA)and even more cookie dough. I want to die. I look like i have a bowling ball in my stomach, I wish I could just hide in the house tomorrow but I have to go to church. I feel like everyone will judge me because I look fat.

The Good the Bad and the Ugly

Today's weight: 158.4

But today was such a BINGE DAY! I ate only CRAP. It made me feel so sick. Seriously, I had the worst stomach pains and had diarrhea. It was disgusting, just like the fat on my body.

-Cookie dough
-A Waffle
-Licorice
-Chocolate
-Grapes
-Honeycomb cereal

So i'm sure I gained at least 1 pound back... My stomach is complete C-H-U-B.